My life is a mess right now. The entire span of like 2 months has been agrivation, stress, rejection, loneliness, and I find myself wondering what the hell is gunna happen next? I believe that it all started with one crisis and snowballed into a cycle of crap after crap, after crap has just ended. I have times of crying and I feel as though I might totally lose my sanity. I truly feel unlevel with reality. Often times if I'm home and I'm feeling down, I don't want to be around anyone at all. Then, I want more than anything to be around anyone (at least someone who seems to care and does what they can to help). I feel like a time-bomb. Any minute something could set me off into a fit of bawling and when it happens I may not feel "stable". Sometimes, I will cry a little and get over it. Maybe even cry later if something reminds me of it. Afterwards, I'm cool. Other times, I can believe that I am having so much trouble in my life. Always wondering what the heck did I possibly do to deserve what I've recieved? I try my hardest to keep situations under control. In doing this, I try to stop a potential argument or whatnot. Sometimes, no matter what I say, how hard I try, and no matter what I do is good enough. Failure. That's what I feel like. I admit, a few things in my life that have caused me strife, I brought upon myself. But, I'd say the other 85% is purely pointless b/c I did not a damn thing to go through those things. When will it start to look up? I'm getting to the end of the list of things that could go wrong. Hopefully, something - ANYTHING - good will suprise me with a burst of reassurance and happiness. Good God do I need both of those things at this moment. This very second. I'm feeling very pushed away by Chris. I don't feel important to him lately. I always feel that I've must be doing something to make him reject me. He's not himself. I'm not myself. I'm so confused. I'm optimistic on very VERY few things that the future holds for me. I just want to wake up just one day and know that tears won't show up at any point of the day.
I NEED A VACATION. I WANT TO GET AWAY TO ANYWHERE THAT IS NOT MAMOU. ANYTHING THAT IS NOT THIS DEPRESSING FAMILIAR AREA. i'm so low that i feel worse for letting myself reach this rock bottom.
All that I can say for tomorrow is bring it on. Crap.